Issue #3: Men's Experiences
Issue #3: Men's Experiences
Dear readers,
I know that many of you have been waiting for this edition of the silencing critical voices on men's experiences. Interestingly, when I was announcing this edition, many people commented with surprise at the idea that men experienced critical voices. This reinforced for me the need to write about and question this stereotype of "superman" in a way that would open channels of communication not only between people in general but also between men so that it would perhaps one day become easier to share these experiences freely. The counterpart of people's surprise was the challenge it actually became for men to come forward and write about the experiences. Specifically most men were invited to contribute and many genuinely wanted to share their experiences; yet several discussed with me how difficult it was to not only articulate their experience but also to actually do so in a public forum. As a one of the contributors said, "it is one thing to deal with the critical voice's judgment about a vulnerability and something else to share this vulnerability with the whole world!" This speaks to the power of gender role specifications where men are so systematically trained to hide emotions and any experience that could be construed as a "weakness." Yet, ironically, in my experience we most admire and respect men who genuinely share their inner experiences despite the expected stereotype of "toughness". It is often that type of genuine and meaningful sharing that further enhances closeness between people and intimacy in relationships. It is sad that gender role training and standards limit so much those possibilities of being and impoverish many of our relationships with one another. In addition, those standards often feed critical voices.
Specifically, as soon as there is an ideal or a normative standard to compare yourself with, there will invariably be some critical voices (ranging in intensity). As our culture is increasingly bombarding us with ideals on an expanding number of levels, critical voices are bound to gain more and more power in everyone's lives. From the moment that you wake up in the morning with the radio to the moment that you close your television (perhaps) at night to go to bed, you are exposed to messages that invite you to either compare yourself to the "perfect" partner or lover, to a "good-looking" model or to dream about how your life could be if only you owned a product or changed yourself. When you think about it, there are standards on how you are supposed to look, dress, eat, walk, sit (you can sit in a feminine, masculine, sloppy, entitled, elegant or vulgar way for instance). There is even some ideal about the underwear you're suppose to wear (especially when you are a teenager)! There are standards on how clean your car is supposed to be, on how long your nails and hair should be kept and on what you should and shouldn't know.
For example, in the Bay Area, you are supposed to have knowledge of computers, politics, cross-cultural issues, spirituality, organic foods, vitamins, and of parenting (and your children's behavior are a measure of how well you do it); you're also supposed to say certain things and not say others, to express some affection to your partner but not too much and not to anyone else, you're supposed to work otherwise you're lazy and even to work overtime but not too much otherwise you're a workaholic, you're supposed to be reachable at all times if not with a telephone or a pager at least with a voice mail, and so on. When you are a man, the culture specifically expects you to have knowledge in cars, mechanics, sports, technology, politics, financial management, sexuality, fatherhood, disciplining, fitness, home appliances, lawn maintenance, wine tasting, international issues, and if you are living in a non-traditional/stereotypical household, have at least some knowledge in cooking, laundry, house cleaning, baby sitting and relationships. Since there is no way anyone can ever fully fit in or satisfy all of those criteria, most people are bound to feel inadequate at least in some areas of their lives... including men.
Aside from the more obvious cultural standards, most people have ideas about the kind of person they would prefer to be and they strive to be that way. It can be quite painful to realize at times that your behaviors are inconsistent with your ideas of yourself. Many men I have talked to can recall painful times of discovering the negative effects they may inadvertently have had on loved ones. Unfortunately, since men are trained from an early age to be independent, to be entitled, to be focused on achieving goals and to avoid emotions, they often (not always) have had less opportunities to develop the habit of being extra sensitive to other's needs and reactions. It can thus be quite upsetting to them to suddenly become aware of negative effects they never intended.
In my experience, these moments of "awareness" can even plunge men into the turmoil of self-hate or intense self-criticism around ideas such as "how can I have been so blind and do that?"(Note that men are often expected and trained to believe that they "should know" pretty much everything which just intensifies critical voices in these contexts: "Not only were you hurtful but also you should have known better"). In those moments it feels helpful to stand up to the critical voices by remembering that people usually have good intentions even though their actions may have harmful effects and that we are all victim in some ways or others of the cultural training that narrows our thinking and molds our ways of being. What feels important is the willingness to listen, notice, be aware, talk and make efforts to be respectful and kind so that we increasingly do what is best for all of us despite standards and critical voices.
I now invite you to read those powerful and genuine accounts of a variety of critical voices that men experience. Please remember how hard it can be to write about these experiences even those who are perhaps written in a playful or casual tone. These men are all sharing a piece of their lives with us and I would like to invite you to read their texts with respect and appreciation for their willingness to trust you with their stories. In my experience, it is a precious honor to be offered the gift of sharing and understanding a human being's reflections, struggles and words of wisdom around personal life experience.
Hopefully this issue will constitute an opportunity for men to come forward and share their knowledges with our community so that all can benefit and support each other.
Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin
They act like they are above any principles I live by. They are smarmy. They wear the mask and drone in tones of all that can be oppressive and dominating in the world we live in. They are the arrogant politician, the megalomaniacal CEO, the bloodthirsty wartime commander, the unscrupulous supermarket checkout tabloid. They speak with (false) authority and are aghast if I don't cower silently awaiting slaughter. They are no less than violent.
They take on the overbearing posture and tone of all in our culture that we have come to fear: the taskmaster with ruler ready to measure us and punish us; the boss, with a towering voice or icy and composed in the corner office ready to dismiss us at whim; the cop, mirrored sunglasses, black belt, billy club, and sidearm; the expert, wallowing in acclaim, calculated, educated, armed with credentials, statistics, and confusing jargon. Critical voices are empty of ethic and hungry for control. And what better way to control than to separate us, isolate us and dominate our imaginations.
Critical voices separate us from ourself, our experience, our knowledge, our senses and from those persons most important to us. This keeps me alone under the barrage of critique. The comments they make and the questions they ask keep me on the defensive. They bring "should" into the conversations; "you should have..., you shouldn't have..." The so called, questions critical voices use are often laden with should too. "Shouldn't you think of others more?" "Shouldn't you work harder?" "Shouldn't you know better?"
Critical voices bludgeon curiosity and creativity. If I notice my own skills, successes and knowledges, they scatter snide comments at gattling gun speed until I run for cover to hide, distracted, alone, fearful to live MY own life.
I was talking to some of my friends the other day about the kinds of commentary critical voices impose on our lives. We started to think about a group comprised of people we know, respect and love who would oversee the unjust litany of accusations made by critical voices. One could imagine this group to be empowered to strike down critical voice commentary as irrelevant when it was undermining of our lives and would make questions and comments that promote recognizing what we know about what we want, and know, and hope for, and do. When critical voices chime in with, "don't you ever learn?, you should know that, blaa, blaa, blaa..." this group would declare the comments impermissible and ask something like, "From your experience, what is it that you know about what's up? How do you like to think about it? What fits for you? What would you prefer to do, if anything?" The group would work from the perspective that recognizes, reveres and honors ones experience, intention, and hope to take action that matches their ethics, philosophies, the life they prefer to live. The committee would regard ones eccentricities as expressions of a personal style. It would encourage us to choose our own direction rather than berate us for living outside the status quo.
The status quo is critical voices' credo, their guiding doctrine. So they hammer away at us to be normal then berate us for not being extraordinary. "The normal way is the right way" is the motto of critical voices, and the moment we bow to that definition they implicate us in the "wrong" way of doing or being. Critical voices love to invoke "right" and "wrong." They totalize, dogmatize, exaggerate, and misidentify. If I simply misplace my keys, a critical voice rings out, "you put them in the wrong place, that was dumb, you're absent minded." They grind on us to "be normal" in exchange for peace from their droning critique. They want us to meekly trudge between the towering walls of prescribed (pre-scribed: already written?) life. They want to keep us plodding in orderly fashion along the narrow thoroughfares of normalcy until it no longer occurs to us there may be another way. They want to separate us from the fantastical, the elaborate, the imaginal and do so by calling them abnormal and abnormal equals, "wrong." If we stay to this pre-scribed course for long our heads hang with an apathetic gaze restricted to the overtrodden rut beneath our feet while critical voices chant, "there is no other way."
But there is.
Perhaps the most formidable adversary to critical voices is Imagination (let me imagine this for a moment--perhaps imagination neutralizes critical voices, or evaporates them or lifts me above their cackle, or tilts my apathetic gaze up to notice there are no walls or dresses them down, or duct tapes their mouths shut or befriends them as obnoxious but harmless, benign bigmouths). Imagination allows me to bring the "group" I spoke of above with me anywhere I am if I want their companionship and support.
What I like about this virtual group is its members don't actually have to do anything. I can imagine it. They don't even have to be physically accessible. I can imagine what they might imagine. My father who died nine years ago could be a member as well as my friend Pieter who lives in Hawaii or Beth who lives in New Mexico. I can have members be persons by whom I am inspired. Terry Gross can do some interviewing with questions informed by Rumi and Noam Chomski, and Mary Oliver. The members don't even have to be "real." The members can be inspiring characters from novels. Special committees can be formed for special projects. I can have my favorite poets, writers, thinkers, dancers all mixed in with my friends and my Mom and my workmates and neighbors. But, they are all invited to stay only as long as I want to imagine them there. Sometimes I may just want the group to be the characters of Confidence or Courage or Compassion. Or perhaps, I imagine myself in the group looking back from the future to guide me now. Maybe I want my friends Jess and Suzette to keep an eye on critical voices because they know me in a certain way and when I imagine them as sentries and question makers I feel liberated to follow my sense of direction.
These are figures who help me trust myself, appreciate myself, encourage me, would understand my action and the thrust of its' intention. These are figures who act with the kind of integrity, playfulness, artfulness and compassion that I value. These are people by whom I want to be surrounded. I can picture them encircling me, I can remember the way they stand, the shapes of their eyes, the timbre of their voices. I can see them deflecting critical voices to afford me the peace necessary to navigate my life as I see fit and I can hear them asking me useful questions that help me become who and what I want to become.
Ron Estes
p.s. I put together a, "special task" group to sit with me as I wrote this and another entry that appears later in this edition of Silencing critical voices. This imaginal group helped me get past some moments when critical voices tried to blockade bringing some ideas to paper.
also: Thanks to my friends for the conversations that initiated these ideas
painting and collage by Ron Estes
Not asking for directions
Recently, I changed employers.
On my first day at my new job, I was parachuted into a meeting
before even knowing where my desk would be located in this multiple building complex. After
the meeting, everybody went their own way while I chatted with a senior level manager. When
we finished, I was slightly embarrassed to ask, " By the way, do you know how I get to my
desk". With a slight smile, he directed me on how to get to the stairs. But what happened after
the stairs? Obviously he didn't realize I had not yet been shown to my desk and was just
pointing me in the right direction. I could have, SHOULD HAVE, asked him but it was my first
day; I didn't want to look like an idiot! In addition, I had a vague memory of where I had been
interviewed; I felt I could find it by myself. After thanking the manager, up the stairs I went and
then stopped. Already I was feeling silly. I tried one direction and soon realized it was the
wrong way. After a quick turnaround, I headed back towards the other building but not fast
enough. Two women that had been in the meeting where headed back for the stairs and
exclaimed "Oh, he's lost" and burst out laughing. Obviously they also didn't realize I had not yet
been shown to my desk. I could only muster an embarrassed smile while a critical voice gave me
a strong imaginary kick in the butt, "you idiot, now look what you have done, the whole
company will know."
On size...
Playing roller hockey over lunch at work, I was wearing for the first time, a tight fitting athletic underwear which helped me avoid pavement scrapes should I fall down. As I undressed to take a shower, I noticed my genitals had shrunk very significantly due to the tight fit, akin to the dreaded cold water shrinkage effect. Quick, what were my choices? I could keep my underwear on and take if off in the shower. That didn't work as I knew others would automatically interpret it correctly, as "small genitals". No it had to be more subtle. I turned ever so slightly to be hidden and finished removing the unfriendly underwear. Then picking up my towel, I nonchalantly carried it in front over my arm, so that the end, oh coincidence hid my genitals, and walked resolutely into the shower. Luckily, a good shower worked its magic.
I know everything!
As a hobby, by interest, and to save money, I have learned how to work on my car. Unfortunately, I started this process as a grown man, not as a teenager that dad teaches. And as a man, I should know everything. I still remember the first time I walked into a auto parts store. I wanted to make sure I didn't make a fool of myself. This is easy to do when you are a man because, if you don't know something that everyone should know -and remember, men know everything - you are a fool, by definition. As I entered the store, I took a quick look around trying to take my bearings and figure how this type of store works - before anyone notices that I'm an auto parts store virgin. Okay, here are the alleys and there is a counter. I walked slowly down the first alley surveying the store. Okay, it seems like the counter is for more sophisticated car parts, the simple stuff is in the alleys. But I need an oil filter! Is that a counter part or an alley part? I should know this; I can't ask! I walked the alleys one after another, looking for the oil filters. Oh, here are the oil filters, yes. HUNDREDS of them, Oh No. Which one do I need? Will I really have to ask!!! No wait, here comes an "experienced shopper"; he has greasy hands, he must know what he's doing. He is looking in that catalog and finding the oil filter he needs. He's done. Quick, I grab the catalog with an air like I've done this many times before and find my oil filter. Phew, I survived. I never realized auto maintenance was so stressful.
On being in control
Traveling to a foreign country with my wife was an opportunity to let go of control. As a man, I try to always be in control. I know the system I live in, the resources, and can take "appropriate" action when needed. Now everything is different. I am walking down this deteriorated street of a rural town of Northern Thailand while my wife is joyfully talking about renting a motorcycle and striking it off on our own without a guide, into the jungle to meet the "long neck" tribe people. A knot is forming in my stomach. Doesn't she know this is dangerous, that the guidebook does NOT recommend this. What if we get lost in the jungle? What if people rob us, beat us, they know we have what they consider to be a huge amount of money with us. What if are we bitten by some poisonous thing? I won't know what to do, I won't be able to perform my manly duties of being in control and taking care of her. After all, that is what society requires me to do. I REALLY don't want to do this but she does. So we went. I worried about everything and about nothing. We had to cross a river with the motorbike 10 times, had a minor accident, never knew for sure exactly where we were going but had a great experience and met some wonderful people.
Some concluding thoughts
These are but a few of my many misfortunes as a man. They all reflect cases where male
gender specifications played tricks on me; cases where I made an ass of myself while I was
trying to be this impossible image of "a man". These specifications are like a legal code entitled
"How to be a man". Critical voices are the enforcers of this code; a whole judiciary system with
police forces, investigators, prosecuting attorneys, judges and punishments.
When I break the
"code", the whole enforcement system swings into action and I pay my infraction dearly. Now I
have learned to break these invisible laws and get away with it. Even though the enforcers are
still there, I ignore them. I listen just long enough to hear their point but I don't argue with them.
If the law they present doesn't fit with me, I simply ignore them and because of this, they are
losing strength. After all, they don't have a reason for existence anymore if they are ignored.
And I take pleasure in being how I want to be, no longer chained by these dictatorial rules. Now
I enjoy asking for directions, asking for explanations, being comfortable irrespective of my size
and learning to let go of control; I can't always be Tarzan.
Paul
This is how they work on me. When I'm attempting to stand up to my critical voices and
ignore or deny their criticisms, they stealthily suggest that I check out what others might be
thinking about me. If I fall for this trick, I take on the ugly task of uncovering and compiling the
criticisms and judgements that others' might have about me. This focus messes up everything.
Think about spending your time looking for criticism from others and endlessly imagining ways
to defend yourself when it arrives. And adding injury to these imagined insults, when I attempt
to defend myself, I can often mess things up more by continuing the debate about my possible
faults. Defensive actions can turn people off and get them thinking that maybe you are hiding
something.
When I'm caught in this mess, I'm assuming that the people I meet are going to be critical of me, and of course, with good cause. In a sense, my critical voices have successfully taken over (snatched!) the voices of others. When I'm expecting this criticism and/or rejection, I'm likely to interpret and re- interpret others' actions and attitudes under this "critical" light. Almost anything can be seen as criticism if I look at it "right", and my critical voices make sure I look at it "right". Once this happens, I can inadvertently start manufacturing evidence of others' criticisms!
Its frightening how smoothly and almost undetectably my attention can be diverted this way. What I need is an early warning system that could sound an alarm when critical voices are about to do this to me. I'd really like to avoid it, because once I get started on that ugly search I can usually find plenty of evidence of criticism and defect. If, however, it isn't initially obvious, I'll look harder. If I still find no immediate evidence, my critical voices direct me to imagine all the painful possibilities--how others might be judging me. My imagination can paint some pretty convincing (and ultimately depressing) pictures and I can quickly accumulate a wealth of "evidence". This evidence stories my shortcomings. You can imagine how I'm feeling until I can finally break away from this. You may ask how this "break away" happens for me. I guess "it depends", and that's the hard part.
Critical voices can also distract me from noticing or recognizing contrary evidence-- evidence that others feel admiration, pride and acceptance for me. When I do happen to notice this kind of evidence, critical voices want me to dismiss them as aberrations, exaggerations or fictions. "They're just saying that to be polite, to make you feel better, or to manipulate you. They know the truth about you."
I have noticed again and again how difficult it is for me and many other people to accept or believe compliments from others. This makes more sense when I consider the power of critical voices.
Its easy to see how the task of compiling evidence of other people's criticisms might affect our attitudes. I usually end up feeling more hopeless and more isolated, and this in turn leaves me feeling even more vulnerable to critical voices. Depression and disconnection can follow if I'm not able to mount a decent counterattack.
We're already well exposed to real life criticisms from people in our lives. The last thing we need is to also be fighting imagined criticisms. We are constantly faced with questions: "Do we weigh too much or too little? Do we make enough money? Do we have enough friends? Are we smart enough? Are we beautiful enough...". So when we are further tormented by the imagined critical voices of important people in our lives, it's easy to give in and believe in our shortcomings.
When I'm dealing with a critical voice one-on-one, I can sometimes argue my own points successfully, and more and more often I resist self-doubt. However, when the critical voices bring in the concurring opinions of others, especially those most important to me, its almost impossible to resist their influence.
My vulnerability increases when I spend much time fantasizing about what people might be thinking about me. I finally noticed that the critical voices have used this seemingly harmless activity against me. For example, I engaged in such an activity with a respected colleague a few years back. It went on for almost two years. During a conference workshop, she had interrupted me to suggest a change in the direction of the discussion. My own critical voices convinced me that her interruption was evidence that she was uninterested in my point of view and that "she's right to interrupt you. You have little that's new or important to say so you might as well shut up and avoid conversation with her."
Her critical voices, on the other hand, were simultaneously convincing her that she was "rude and disrespectful", and that I was being "justifiably angry" at her. They convinced her that my avoidance of conversation was simply an angry response to her "rude" interruption. So of course, she also decided to avoid conversation with me and didn't question my avoidance. Her avoidance provided ready reinforcements for my own critical voices. It took two years, a few beers, and some courage to finally ask her what she thought of me. We were astounded to discover how different our stories were about each other and what had occurred between us.
Do you know anybody that falls for this kind of thing? If so, I hope we can together
expose this nastiness and share any decent counter-measures we've come across in our travels.
My guess is that critical voices of all kinds are clamoring for evidence that others agree with
their criticisms of us, and they take on special power when they have the culture to back them up.
In fact, I wonder if critical voices have any power without some back up from our culture? Who
knows? This might be a topic for further discussion. I do know that when these voices get too
powerful, they can convince us that we know positively what others are thinking of us, and we
are assured that it's not good. We forget that we're just guessing. "See that look. They know
about our shortcomings and they're judging us!"
How can we rebel? It has helped me to be careful when I find myself speculating about what people are thinking about me. It has helped to notice when I'm starting to compile others' negative judgements about me. Critical voices might be waiting to take advantage of either of these pursuits. The trick has been finding ways to help me notice when these things are happening. A warning buzzer should sound. But that doesn't happen, so I'm in the market for strategies that have fared well against this particular trap.
I know that when I'm feeling judged, it's tough to be a person I want to be. I might respond with a fight for respect by counter-attacking, explaining, criticizing, justifying, blaming, etc., and feeling entitled to special notice of injustice. Or I can give up, withdraw, and believe that the criticisms speak "the truth" about me. These responses typically make things worse. Some questions that come to mind: "Are there ways to escape the demons of criticism and judgement before they ever get a hold of you". "Do you have to buy the standards that are being used to judge you?" "Once you are hooked on these standards, how do you get unhooked in ways that don't make other things worse"?
What has helped you personally escape this trap? I ask you this because I could use some ideas for myself and the folks I work with. I'm guessing that virtually everyone has fallen for it at some time or another, and virtually everyone has had successes against critical voices and the self-doubt they foster. I imagine you couldn't live in this culture without being exposed to them. I'm hoping to pool our information, especially successes, so if you have ideas, e-mail me at mithranc@aol.com.
I imagine that critical voices could come in handy somewhere in our lives, but since I know some of the nasty tricks they pull, I'd rather just get rid of them altogether. We get enough criticism elsewhere in our lives. Even now, critical voices are whispering that readers will be critical of anything I write, especially this. The critical voices want me to tear this up. Hopefully this is a good sign. My critical voices don't like being exposed, and maybe this is one good way to counterattack. Charge!
Mithran Cabot
It became a vicious cycle because when I was hurtful and Self Hate struck, I was quite incapable of comforting the people I hurt at that moment in time. Not only was I hurtful, I crashed and burned when this happened and Self Hate had a party. As I became more aware of my ways of being with my wife and changed them for preferred ways of being, the frequency of blunders decreased dramatically over time. Was Self Hate going to disappear? I had no such luck. Self Hate, realizing this state of affairs, made the isolated incidents very, very important. It was almost worse than before. IT suggested that "Now, you should know better", that "you are making the same mistake AGAIN", that this was proof that "you will NEVER get rid of your harmful ways of being". I realized, that despite my deepest desire not to be hurtful, life was a learning process and I was bound to err again. I needed to take Self Hate head on and settle this thing. So at my wife's suggestion, I wrote the following letter to Self Hate. I consider myself very fortunate. The strategies I discovered for myself during this process have kept me "Self Hate Free" since this letter. In addition, I have found them very useful with my other critical voices - I have many as well as when critical voices want me to judge others. It has felt very empowering to wrench back control of my life from Self Hate and I can only hope that sharing this may help other people achieve the same, in their own way.
Self hate,I will not start this letter with the word "dear" because you are not dear to me. I have finally uncovered you after years during which you haunted me. For so long you have criticized me and put me down and rendered me a great disservice.
I have hurt myself physically and emotionally and even thought at times of killing myself because of YOU. Finally I have seen you as who you really are. You remind me of a cartoon character of my youth. This character was a mean and little middle-aged man who always got people to fight between themselves. Even the best of friends fell under his spell and started fighting and bickering. And yet he convinced these people that he was their friend, only HE was their friend. Everywhere he went, misery followed but no one realized that he was the cause until the end of the story. Well I have news for you! This is the end of your story.
What do you have to say that is constructive? Are you helpful to me in any way? This is my new strategy. I shall give you very little time to make your argument. If you have nothing constructive to say I shall simply start ignoring you. I want to grow and learn from my mistakes. MISTAKES! That's just where you come in. Those are your opportunities to rain on me criticism galore. My objective is to learn from my mistakes, not slaughter myself on the altar of perfection because of my mistakes, because of my "blind spots". If you will not help me grow, I have no purpose for you. I will just stop listening to you. Even when I make repetitive mistakes, the worst kind, you will have no power on me. You will not help me avoid these mistakes, you just turn them into volcanic eruptions of self hatred. Why should I continue to listen to you, huh? I don't like you, I don't need you, I have no attachment to you, I'm ignoring you, I'm leaving you. I don't really care who you are or what you do. Our lives have taken separate paths and unless you change, we will never be friends again! You still do have a chance to change. Because I want to grow, I need to question myself. Therefore I will always listen when I'm making a mistake. But I will only listen very briefly to see if you have anything constructive to say. If you don't, I will simply stop listening. You will still be there, chattering away because that's you, but you will fade in the background and just keep talking by yourself as I go on living my life without YOU. You will become so small and the volume of your voice will become so low, that you will basically be nonexistent.
Even now as I write this letter I hear you saying, "Wait, you need me, how will you know if you are doing anything wrong if I'm not there to tell you. You'll think your perfect and become an obnoxious stuck up personage and everybody will hate you...". Sorry but your time is up, you are again not being terribly constructive. As I said, you will have your chance for constructive criticism and I will listen then. Self flagellation, auto mutilation, those do not help me become a better human being, just a handicapped being. Good-bye crutches, I'm not handicapped, I'm ME. I try my best, I question myself, I watch out for others. Life is wonderful and short, I don't have any time to waste with false friends.
Good-bye, Adios, Ciao!
Paul
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I must admit I am having trouble writing this piece. Perhaps it's the timing - I've been on
prolonged holiday, feeling mellow and easy on myself. Critical voices are much more apt
to get in my door when I'm on overload. In addition, much of this time off has been spent
with my family - so I'm feeling more connected to them and thus less influenced by the
critical voices which condemn me for my failures. Often, these failures (defined as such
by critical voices) show up as lack of responsiveness to others' invitations to connection.
Occasionally, this occurs with my kids, more often with others. Critical voices confuse me
- how much is it okay to set my own limits and how much are these limits inconsistent
with my preferred values? An even worse form of torture often pops out when I notice I
am being out of connection to the point I'm not paying attention to the effects I might be
having in my relationships (again, this is true for all my relationships)... Like I can
possibly do this all the time ... So, I'm reflecting as I am writing this when I am in
connection with those important to me, I can look at effects from my standpoint - that
connection is a powerful ally to stay away from critical voices. "No, Duh..." as my kids
might say.
Critical voices can tell me I'm selfish. Given my training in male entitlement, sometimes I fear these voices are correct. Mostly, I'd say they confuse me, making me feel bad in general, and unsure of whether I'm being responsive in ways I value. Under their influence, I engage in self torture and no behavior change - instead of remembering that all can be checked out with my kids. Trusting in relationships I value seems like a better idea than relying on critical voices. I can be (want to be) responsible for paying attention myself, but I can get a look at what it looks like through my children's eyes. Critical voices' eyes always try to reflect the same thing. Boy, it's hard to pay attention so much. As far as relationships go, paying attention is far from second nature to me yet. I'd like it to be, but I know it will take time. Having critical voices judge me here will do nothing but slow things down by turning my energy towards feeling bad, instead of towards paying attention. When in connection with my kids, I can be accountable for negative effects in a way that's constructive to myself, to them hopefully, and to our relationships. Having written all this "stuff" - I get back to something that made sense to me from the start (when asked to do this before holidays). They (my kids) have to be part of this conversation. I ask my ten year old daughter Meg - what does she think I do well as a father and what needs work.
Meg: |  |
Work on: If you have reason to lose your temper, you lose it a little too much. It happens to me, too. You're working on this. We're both doing better.
That conversation was anti-critical voices. I asked my 13 year old the same questions. Steph:
Well: perfect, except for little things. (I ask for examples). Treat me like an equal as a child. That sums up a lot. You respect me. You're there for me when I want to talk. Most of the time, you compromise rather than decide for me.
Needs work: Sometimes, you say something in a meaner tone then you mean it. Also, the way you dress - how you mis-match (many examples here).
I experienced this little exercise as very rejecting of critical voices. Maybe it's an effect of critical voices, but I didn't realize how much my efforts were noticed or my preferred ways of being were really coming through. Paying attention to my tone seems like an easier thing to do now. Even a knee jerk response to things like this can be tackled when you feel connected and valued in a relationship.
Ron: I've been wondering about the difference between objectification and attraction, and how to distinguish those two from one another. I find myself struggling with critical voices who accuse me of objectifying women whenever I feel attracted or even simply interested. Since I do not want to engage in harmful objectifying practices, it gets very confusing.
MN: I can see how distinguishing those two could be really confusing and how critical voices could get to you about it given your commitment to respectful relationship. That's a really interesting question, HOW do we distinguish objectification from attraction? ... I think that for me objectification is really looking at a person as if "it" was an object so your interest is completely determined by external aspects of the person/object and it specifically focuses on the narrow standards of beauty in our culture. For example if you are attracted to a woman simply because she is skinny and has blond hair which is defined by our culture as ideal then to me that becomes closer to objectification because what may really be happening is that you are not interested in the person for who she is, rather you are pleased by the idea that she fits the standard, you are attracted by the fact that you are seeing someone that fits with what is defined as a desirable "possession". Another part of this, I think, is that in objectification you also very much focus on how you would "use" the person/object while in attraction you may be more focused on appreciation. This may seem a little simple as these concept are really complex but this is what comes to my mind as I reflect upon my experience. What do you think?
Ron: yeah, that's interesting ... I think it's also very much about reduction; if I don't want to know more about the person and am only focused on what I am seeing then I'm reducing. It also seems that objectification gets me in a state of disconnection, there's a distance between you and the person, it's that whole capitalistic idea of using nature and people as resources for your own gain.
MN: that is so true! It's like the difference between looking at a mountain and being moved by it's beauty or looking at the mountain and imagining how much money you could make out of using it. The second perspective involves evaluation of worth and exploitation instead of genuine appreciation and our culture sometimes gets men to fall in that trap when they look at a woman.
Ron: so then I guess we could say that one of the nuances is that objectification often has negative effects. It not only reduces but also is disconnects people and creates hierarchy in relationships. It leads us away from experiencing the "thing" as a whole and gets us to focus on parts.
MN: yes! and when it sneaks in relationships I think it has harmful effects on everyone even the person who objectifies. As a woman I have noticed that when objectification gets in relationship it has the effect of creating the dynamic of expectations, self-surveillance, comparison and insecurity. Specifically expectations because you expect your partner to stay in line with the standards of beauty; sell surveillance because you constantly evaluate your body to make sure it doesn't deviate from the standards; comparison because you constantly compare yourself to "potential rivals" or to models presented to you as desirable by society; and insecurity because you are never sure you will actually win the battle over your body and over nature (so many standards are unhealthy and unachievable such as staying young, being skinny, muscular...). When you are in a relationship if you feel that your partners attraction depends on your body matching the standards, your body becomes a tool, an object that you must maintain and discipline for the relationship to survive. In many ways you become disconnected from your own body, your focus switches from taking care of your body, of doing what is best for it to a focus that is external : how can I get it to fit? You objectify it yourself and all of this gets in the way of intimacy.
Ron: and then I wonder when a woman does fit in the standards of beauty, how do we know if we are objectifying or not? It must be tricky for women who fit those beauty standards. I know that sometimes it's tricky for me when I'm relating to them.
(.....long discussion...)
MN: this is so interesting Ron, I'm sure many other people would like to participate in such exploration; it would be really neat if you could write something about this for the next journal.
Ron: Let me think about it, it is really complex and feels like a risky topic to explore publicly.
I am hunting objectification. I am hunting objectification and I have come to learn that critical voices want me to abandon the hunt. I am hunting objectification because I want to know it first hand, recognize it, see it for what it is, or at least find out what it is to me. Until now I have tried to track objectification on my own, but, I have found when alone in this hunt critical voices will try to mislead me. I have mostly heard of objectification as critical voices describe it, but, critical voices are particularly untrustworthy interpreters. objectification doesn't like to be hunted, investigated or the subject of conversation. objectification (like critical voices), is the kind of beast whose disruptive potency relies on appearing at its whim and then disappearing without a trace to be forgotten until its next surprise attack. So I am seeking objectification knowing that critical voices will try to obscure and camouflage it, knowing that critical voices will try to convince me that I myself am the beast.
I'm leapfrogging back to when I began to be able to articulate what I have, faintly, long known-- -the effects of objectification are often oppressive, separating, subjugating, disqualifying, reductionary, harmful and destructive(as I think of this now, these effects are much like those of critical voices.) So, without much ceremony, I vowed to myself to notice objectification so I wouldn't inadvertently be objectification's instrument of oppression. It seemed simple enough. What I didn't know was how critical voices would be shrewdly enlisted to distract me from seeing, defining or recognizing objectification .
As I began to notice how prevalent objectification is in american culture, critical voices devised a brilliant strategy. Instead of trying to convince me that I was making too much of objectification or that it wasn't really around that much, critical voices made use of my own momentum and declared, "yes, you're right, in fact, objectification is everywhere and you can't escape it!" (critical voices use this exaggeration tactic) So, just as I began to feel good about recognizing objectification, critical voices began to spin my accomplishment into failure (typical of critical voices to attack when I notice progress in a matter that is important to me). Soon any glance at a passer by, or attraction to another person (especially if the person was a woman) was identified by critical voices as objectification at work and those voices berated me and identified me as an "objectifier." (critical voices use misidentifying tactics) critical voices began to peddle propaganda that twisted and inflated objectification to reign over experiences which may have nothing at all to do with objectification. critical voices tried to convince me that any attraction is objectification, any desire for closeness or contact is driven by objectification, any interest in someone I don't know was colluding with objectification and certainly any trace of sexual heat (warmth even) is a consequence of objectification's rule over me. critical voices and objectification were teaming up to set me against myself and render objectification as something it is not. They wanted to isolate me, shame me, and make me afraid to speak of either of them; They were largely successful. In the face of this powerful alliance between objectification and critical voices I felt myself shrinking, frightened, loosing confidence and mercilessly questioning my own experience. I knew something wasn't right but I felt too bound and compressed to know what it was. Was I some kind of, "insensitive and objectifying man?" After all, I am a man and men are widely seen as objectifying. The voices really leaned into me if my attention was drawn to women. Noticing physicality or beauty was painted as "wrong," and any admission of sexual attraction was translated as sexualization, one of the most oppressive forms of objectification. critical voices had me interrogating myself rather that questioning them. Luckily I managed to escape the din of critical voices for a few moments when making notes in my journal.
In those notes to myself I began to wonder:How did objectification and critical voices manage to have such influence on my life? Is objectification everywhere as critical voices insist? I thought, "everywhere" sounds like an exaggeration. Is all of this questioning of my experience working for me or is it critical voices mercilessly interrogating me? Why do I feel so alone with these questions? Are critical voices isolating me? Are objectification and critical voices alone too? They must have support, what supports them? What shape, what form does objectification take to stay so illusive, so deviously invisible? How can it be everywhere and invisible simultaneously? Does it blend into the background? What is the background? How can I unmask it? I returned to my journal to try deal with some of these questions.
Now, as I sit here reflecting on some of those entries it seems clear to me objectification blends into and is supported by much of "american culture." A culture that has grown out of a tradition revering:religious doctrine, control over Nature, individualism and capitalism. As a person living in America I am encouraged to hold these values. As a man living in America, I also notice that notions of connectedness, closeness, intimacy, sensitivity to sensuality and sexuality are narrow and in some ways taboo. I think the critical voices I've spoken of try to use these established cultural norms of what a man should prioritize to reduce my experience of the world. Critical voices use these norms, these shoulds, as points of leverage to pry my attention away from my personal preferences and toward the status quo. Critical voices shroud them self in these shoulds and should nots to establish power over me. If I stay close to the shoulds critical voices don't give me a hard time. But if I stray, and give attention to a should not ,critical voices are quick to pipe up. For example, if I find myself attracted to a woman, critical voices use this as opportunity to harass me by telling me that the attraction is objectification, that I am, reducing the woman, that I am sexualizing her, that I am a predator, a, "typical man," "on the make", "on the take" etc. critical voices transform my actual experience of appreciating a woman, being curious about her and being drawn to know more of her into fodder to convince me that I am objectifying. The voices are sure to capitalize on any culturally perpetuated shame associated with sexuality to silence me if I think to protest. And If I try to make a distinction between objectification or sexualization and sexuality I'm suddenly in the shadowed territory of conversation about sex where everyone is suspect.
Critical voices refer to and rely on dominant culture to perpetuate suspicion when my actions fall outside of the norm. Critical voices get me to become suspicious of my self and to close down, isolate, not trust myself or my intentions and to become more private. Given this, it makes sense to me that I have remained in private conversations, trying to tease out what objectification is and is not. Here, I want to break from this privacy because, it seems, objectification and critical voices are trying to isolate me.
These are a few smatterings of journal entries that are shaping my thinking about how objectification is supported by some of the taken for granted ways of thinking and doing that are prevalent in american culture. These are notions perpetuated through religious doctrine that portray sensuality, desire and sexuality as subjects to be feared or avoided; notions of rugged individualism that encourage us to think of ourselves as separate; notions of progress being connected with control of Nature; and, notions of capitalism as an ideal to be adhered to regardless of its effects.
(undated, entry)
critical voices use objectification and sexualization (an objectifying practice) to reduce my experience by equating sexualization with sexuality then capitalizing on dominant cultural views that being physically/ sensually/ sexually drawn to someone is "bad." (this sets the ground for misguided reasoning that goes something like:objectification is bad, sexualization is bad, sexuality is bad, you are bad.)(note of protest, undated)
I have a rich history of relationships with bodies:dance, athletics, figure drawing, sporting, recreation etc. It is a thin conclusion to say looking at someone MEANS objectifying or sexualizing.(entry 5-6-98, 1:00 a.m.)
We can think of sexualization as a tool of oppressive patriarchy expressed through dominant discourses which encourage men to see women as sexual objects to be owned. But there's more here, it's something about the shame of our bodies circulated through common religious dogma. How can we break from these notions which promote distancing ourselves from corporeal experience and enter into experiential investigation and conversations that inform skills and knowledges that can help men and women navigate the tricky territory of sexuality, sensuality, attraction, intimacy, etc.?(note, of protest and position, undated)
Some would argue experience can't be without a body. Some people are in an intimate and fluent exchange, conversation, interaction with their senses and the world around them, I want this.(undated, entry)
Narrative work is interested in dis-covering the effects of various problems, forces, meanings, phenomena and investigating if these effects are experienced as positive or negative, preferred or not, what one wants or not, desirable or undesirable. (nervousness) But we hedge when "desire" enters the conversation because desire is associated with bodies, because we have to, "come to our senses," to know our desire... various cultural influences, like those stemming from religious doctrine shriek at investigation that comes close to the flesh. How does it serve us to stay away from the connotations the word, "desire", invokes? We may construct our reality with language but we need our bodies to experience those realities. What effect might it have to use language that insinuates our bodies in our meaning making?(entry 5-6-98)
Perhaps the effects of individualism and capitalism support objectification. We're in a culture where every-thing is imagined as "other." Separateness is viewed as noble. Ideas of being related to other persons often extend only as far as our family:relat(e)-ives. Animals are "other." Certainly plants are "other" along with our oceans, rivers, mountains... But notions of separateness from our surroundings are not, have not, been universal. There are and have been many cultures that cultivate and intimate sensitive exchange with all that surrounds them:fragrant winds, sprawling plains, animals and trees are not imagined as inanimate, void of soul, lacking in stature or unentitled to respect. Seeing all that surrounds us as objects to be exploited stokes capitalist ways of (what Don Delilo calls) "white hot consumption and instantaneous waste." No wonder we hunger for some sort of connection when we live in cultural context which insists we are separate.
So we are drawn to believe the only way to know connectedness is to use and own things. We politely speak of this ownership in terms of "resource" --- "natural resource", or even, "human resource" (what are the implications of such an outrageous phrase?) Once we think of Nature as a thing to be owned and used without regard for the consequences it is just a small step away to own and use animals and a next step is to own and use persons.
So we abuse and disrespect our lands and waters with chemicals and suck out pools of petroleum to choke our breezes and breath, and we bludgeon our farmlands with insecticides and steamroll our landscapes for beige stucco mini-malls and "grow" animals in horrid conditions only for slaughter. All of this is justified because the MEANING we make of these practices has to do with "utilizing" these "things", these "resources." The justification is in the name of capitalism, at the sacrifice of being in a relation that is intimately connected. How much does this thinking lay the ground for and perpetuate seeing each other as objects:objects to be reduced to their parts and exploited? And how much does this thinking make it possible for us to ignore the effect we are having on these "objects.¨
As I review these entries I wonder; what might come of distinguishing the difference between this kind of exploitive, oppressive thinking and action, and a sensual experience of interaction and connection? How are we coerced into a belief that we should ignore our senses when they beckon us to interact with Nature, Animals and People? Is this an effect of cultural based shoulds? Do critical voices amplify these shoulds?
What if I defy these shoulds and critical voices and welcome sensual experience?
When I make a sensual connection, I am keenly interested to know if the connection is having negative effects on who or what I am connecting with:I am sensitized,sensitive. If we allow ourselves the sensual experience of swimming in an emerald mountain spring or romping and playing with a horse, it is far more difficult to accept dumping sludge in the spring and executing the horse for pet food. If I usher in sensual experiences of connection, I invoke a state of sensitivity. I am attending to the effects of my action. This is an anti-objectifying practice even though critical voices want to link objectification to sensuality. If I allow myself to trust my senses when I am drawn to a person, that state of sensitivity and trust brings with it an interest which promotes an interplay of connectedness, curiosity and respect which encourages experiencing that person more wholly.
But critical voices and objectification want to keep me separated from my senses and others. objectification is disinterested in the whole; it attends only to parts of the whole. Critical voices want me to see myself as objectification, and see objectification as much larger than it is. critical voices may try to persuade me that attending to sensual experience, is somehow, "bad," but I believe this to be a ploy to obscure the fact that objectification cannot live in an environment that is sensitive. objectification cannot appreciate the largess of Nature or a person. If objectification were to become sensitive it would no longer be objectification. Disconnected insensitivity is a prerequisite for objectification to exist. Coming to my senses wards off objectification. Perhaps it would be useful to gather some of these thoughts, stand and notice how they have shaped my experience and how they are effecting me now right now. At the moment I feel enough distance from critical voices to have my own sense of what objectification cannot be and what it is not. It is more difficult to say exactly what objectification, is but I can describe some effects of objectification. I can imagine what keeps objectification going, and I can notice what objectification and critical voices want and how they have tried to disrupt my life.
Let me see if I can pull this together by saying a bit more about what I've noticed. objectification can not be sensitive to the whole of a person, animal or Nature. objectification is not everywhere, it is not sensuality, connection, curiosity, interest, sexuality, desire, attraction or intimacy. Some of the negative effects of objectification are oppressive, separating, subjugating, disqualifying, reductionary, disrespectful and destructive. To have these effects I imagine objectification relying on things that reside in our culture such as:Religious doctrine and notions of individualism and capitalism. These things can make an environment for objectification to live in where its negative effects are less immediately apparent (and this is not at all an inclusive list, particular objectifying practices, such as, men sexualizing women may be supported by other parts of common culture, like patriarchy and heterosexism). Finally,objectification uses critical voices to take advantage of these cultural norms in order to get me to second guess myself and my intentions which distract me from recognizing what objectification is and disrupts my life.Objectification wants me to think in terms of reducing a person or plant or animal or Nature to a thing . It is interested in de-sensitizing and shifting the focus to what can be taken, exploited and utilized, without regard for the harm that taking may bring. critical voices and objectification want me to be small and bereft of heart. They want to separate me from my self, my senses and my surroundings. They want to corral, confine and colonize my desire. They want me to be ashamed of my body. They want me to believe I am under their control. They want me to see myself as all the negative stereotypes of "typical men." They want to silence me. They want me to believe I am separate, small, unworthy, and should stay that way.
I'm not interested in submitting to what critical voices and objectification want of me. At the moment bringing some ideas out of privacy seems a useful way to expose objectification and critical voices , and put some distance between myself and them . At the same time, I am apprehensive because I know critical voices to be master misinterpreters and they may try to turn this exposure against me. For now I will close with part of a Mary Oliver poem (Wild Geese) and trust you readers to take these ideas in the spirit they are intended and hope they act to further reveal objectification and critical voices. I wonder what I`m not seeing? I welcome your response.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
Love what it loves...
p.s., Thanks to: M-N.B., A.B., J.A.C., L.C., K.S., GLO, J.Z., D.W, M.W., D.L., V.D.
Ron Estes
"Being a teenage girl"
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A day long retreat to explore the effects of Critical Voices such as shyness, self-doubt, depression, lack of self-confidence, feelings of worthlessness and others. Participants will develop meaningful strategies to escape Critical Voices' influence and will be invited to participate in safe experiential exercises in an empowering context.
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