How I Kicked Shame Out

To Kathy, who is steadfast and stands with me against the terrorist Shame

Well, here I sit with Shame on my shoulder taunting me and daring me to find a way to get rid of it. It says "be ashamed that you have to write this thing", "be ashamed of all the work undone because I've made you feel so bad you can't face it so it piles up". Shame has so many messages, it seems like that is the most common voice I hear. It has an annoying and grating sound, worse than the proverbial nails on the blackboard. Shame has been a companion, actually burden, as long as I can remember. Shame mocked me for my clumsiness or inability to do what other kids could do easily. Shame keeps bringing up old errors, taunting me with my shortcomings. Shame says I will never let you forget your mistakes, even if they were done in innocent ignorance, even if no one else noticed, even if it didn't cause a problem. Shame causes me to suspect that every little incident where I feel slighted or neglected is because of a flaw of mine. Shame is very cruel and takes pleasure in my misery. One of the cruelest things Shame does is to yell at me for feeling what I feel, it demands Guilt for being needy, or wanting, or enjoying. It is tricky when it observes all the acceptance and permissions that exist within me for others and then slams the door when I try to access it for myself. It is a voice of condemnation and blame and it travels with Guilt, Remorse and Despair. They are my own personal harpies. Shame says I deserve them because I've done something wrong, even when my intellect disputes it Shame wins. Shame would have me hide and retreat from the world. I would go deep inside and get lost in my little self and stay there believing there is no place for me in the world outside. Shame is a thief that steals pride, joy and achievement and finds a way to vandalize it and leave doubt as to whether such things were real.

I'm supposed to kick shame out. I don't know how yet. I suppose the first step is to force myself to figure it out. No, the first step is really probably to decide to take it on and defy it. That is hard to do. It's not like it's great company, it's just stubborn company, the nightmare that came to dinner...Joy and success might silence it but Shame sneaks in with criticism for anything that looks like pride or self approval. Shame is the horrendous loud visitor that just won't leave no matter how politely or firmly it is asked. So......I guess one thing I know about shame is being gentle or diplomatically disputing it's right to invade my territory is not going to be effective. Shame is a terrorist that doesn't play by the rules. Shame won't let me rest when I need to. Shame is jealous of my attachement to other voices. It sends in despair to be sure I don't get too encouraged. Shame is deceitful, unforgiving and lives like a parasite, consuming and damaging the involuntary host. Some things I know about Anti-Shame measures are that Shame does not like connection, anchors or speaking up. So not being silenced by Shame is a significant step.

I notice Pride when I recall instances of speaking up where, in previous situations, Shame would have allowed me to be humiliated and silent. Pride is a good antidote to Shame. Connection also fights Shame, it breaks silence, and when well chosen, garners support. I have sought comfort and support, in spite of Shame, by remembering that there are situations I cannot handle by myself without talking it through with those who's knowledge and understanding might be useful. Such Permission To Not Know is an effective response to Shame's deceitful tactics. I am kicking out Shame when I stand up to those who would Shame me or to the projected ideas I lay on others about what I might be shamed for. It is the internal domain that is the most persistent problem. One of the hardest aspects in fighting back is the despair and difficulty in functioning when Shame is driving the car. I feel stuck, like I know where I want to go but I am not in charge nor can I get out of the car while it is moving. I guess I need to wait for a traffic jam or red light so I can leap out into the crowd and escape. It takes courage and a strong will to do that, and Shame doesn't let those things flourish if it knows about it. It fills me with sadness to be a victim of myself. I capitulate to Shame by seeking self-numbing solace in ways that perpetuate Shame and expand the scope of the problem. When I feel weak, burdened and isolated Shame rules. I need to find more ways to sneak past it and access Courage and Will. I'm stumped at the moment. "Just Do It" doesn't always work. Sometimes diversionary tactics, like getting into small, repetitive tasks that have concrete outcomes but are low in effort can be a good transitional manuever-like sorting the books on a bookcase or pruning back dead branches in the yard. It leads to visible achievement which invites satisfaction and pride. Without shame I leave this unfinished for I know there are discoveries yet to be made in this struggle.

From one of the "Brave Fighters"