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Critical Voices of Aloneness

The following article is a compilation of ideas, observations, and experiences shared by the members of the women's group facilitated by Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin at BAFTTA.

Many women struggle with critical voices of Aloneness. These critical voices may say: "you're nothing without a man", "you don't deserve anything", "it's better to be in a bad relationship than not to be in one at all", "what is wrong with you", "don't even bother to try", or "you HAVE to get/keep a relationship or else... For each individual woman, the effects of the voices of Aloneness are many: they insist you question what is wrong with you; they force you to feel bad or to cry; they robe you of your energy; they drive you to constantly please, insisting that you must be overly available; they may even convince you to save emails of rejection. Sometimes these voices of Aloneness encourage women to cling to fantasies or idealizations of relationships that were not really working. These critical voices create a need to know that someone somewhere appreciates you; at the same time they make it difficult to believe that others really do like you. Similarly, they prevent you from accepting compliments and then make you feel inadequate because you cannot accept them. These critical voices of aloness invite withdrawal, isolation, depression, alcohol abuse, fatigue, or sleep difficulties. Critical voices prey on experiences of the anticipation of desired phone calls or the rejection of phone calls not returned. Critical voices make you feel horrible about yourself, and then make you feel guilty for feeling that way. They say for example, "Look at you; you are acting so depressed when you are fortunate compared to those children who are starving." The list of women's experiences of critical voices seems endless.

These voices of Aloneness employ social myths to support themselves. For example, many women experience the "Great Weekend" myth. According to this myth, on Friday and Saturday nights, everyone, except you, is having fantastic time. The "Valentine's Day" myth causes misery from a less-than-perfect relationship or a lack of relationship. The myth stipulates that everyone's Valentine holiday includes an unforgettable Hollywood romance. The "Throw Away" (disposable relationships) myth defines the "get over it quickly" syndrome. The event could be as major as the Colorado shooting or the death of a significant other. We are expected to live our emotional experiences expeditiously, devoting no more time or investment than using and disposing of a paper plate. The "Alcohol Myth" suggests that "drinking will make you socially more adept, can make everything go away , or, may just make you feel better". In reality, alcohol increases the effects of depression and vulnerability to the influences of critical voices. These myths create environments in which critical voices thrive.

Even around others, in groups, or with an intimate partner, critical voices of Aloneness are present. We often believe that we suffer from Aloneness primarily because we are single. Because of the fear of Aloneness, we dread being single. In reality, even in relationships, people experience versions of Aloneness. Examples range from the agony of living with a terminally ill partner to the constant challenge of clarifying your needs to others. Critical voices of Aloneness reinforce themselves. The more you are alone, the more you feel that others will not be interested in you. You become less likely to make connections. Evaluation, comparison, and lack of entitlement impede engaging in conversations. You assign a negative interpretation to others' behaviors: "See, no one is smiling at me". Critical voices fall easily into their usual routine: "you're not pretty enough", "you're not smart enough", "you don't deserve a good relationship", "you're worthy only if you're sexy", "you can only be with losers". At the invitation of Aloneness, critical voices impact each of our lives daily and distance us from relationships

In a many situations, it is difficult to distinguish insidious critical voices from our own voices. Three examples are below:

1. When you have no energy, should you respect this inclination and sleep, assuming that you are just tired? Or, should you fight fatigue and surround yourself with people because depression is sneaking in? Critical voices can distort your perception and understanding of yourself in a confusing way rendering you less able to make the best decisions for yourself.

2. If you are struggling with a housing situation and are feeling "down", is it because of the situation or because you're just a "depressed person who can never feel good"? Critical voices can turn frustrations over life's situations against you by reinterpreting their ambiguity in a negative way. They trick you to believe that being "down" is not attributable to the context but rather because of "internal flaws". It uses any life struggle to reassert it critical message: "you're worthless; you're not good enough". In other words, the focus is deflected from what you believe is the real cause to convince you to negatively evaluate yourself.

3. If you do not want to attend a social event, should you respect your need to have private time alone? Or, should you go in an effort to avoid a date with a critical voice? Sometimes critical voices can convince you that you look like an idiot. At a social event, everyone will appear smarter or more attractive than you. Are you responding to critical voices or do you just want some time to yourself?

Recognizing and acknowledging the critical voices of Aloneness can be immensely helpful to survive their influences. Some of us tell ourselves: "Knock it off; otherwise, I know where this will lead me." Holding onto self respect, a sense of humor, and special talents requires diligence but can also be effective. Becoming angry with the voices for their lies and distorted focus has assisted many of us to mobilize ourselves and to notice that resources are available to us if we look for them. Some of our powerful thoughts might include, "I have to deal with this before it gets too far", "I will not give up", "I will listen to my instinct of what is best". Keeping the voices clearly visible by talking about them in group has been most productive for all of us.

Week after week, we have noticed that connections with others in the group have been essential in fighting critical voices. We have learned to focus on those who bring us happiness, whether they are from our past or in our present life. For example, we try to treasure those special family members, co-workers and friends who believe in us. These connections have helped us built our courage and a belief in ourselves. Knowing that many other women are dealing daily with critical voices has reduced our sense of isolation, which is fuel for critical voices. Our women's group has become our own cheering squad! These supportive voices have found shelter in our minds and have eventually become louder than the critical voices even when no one is physically around. Critical voices are fed every day by our culture and our own personal histories. For that reason, we have learned that we need to feed our supportive voices continuously and diligently. Connecting with people who are sympathetic and offer moral support has been a powerful step against critical voices for us.

Most of us have stories of courage: pursuing an education despite obstacles, surviving a difficult childhood to spend a life "bettering oneself", or remaining committed to a partner and children despite extreme challenges such as illness and fear of the unknown. With relatively good success, we have dismantled effects of critical voices such as depression in small pieces. By targeting one specific piece at a time, our fight has been more effective. Otherwise, the process of addressing the big cloud of aloness and depression seemed very overwhelming. It felt too big.

Many of us are discovering the positive possibilities of being alone. Misery is not caused by being single, but rather, by being tortured by critical voices and unhappy with oneself. In other words, if one experiences personal integrity within a satisfying lifestyle, being single does not necessarily have a negative effect. Being alone does not mean one is less worthy or more helpless. Our campaign against critical voices of Aloneness has been energized by adding small activities involving connection with others to our lives. Examples of such activities have included: taking a walk to a bakery and chatting with the employees; starting the day with buying the newspaper and reading it while sitting in the sun; applying for a second job in an enjoyable context such as a flower shop; going for a drive and stopping for a favorite ice cream cone. Promoting better feelings about ourselves and our lives has stifled critical voices. As a group, we are curious to know what others have done to challenge these critical voices? Who makes you feel better about yourself? What activities do you enjoy?

By: Michelle, Suzanne, Susi and Marie-Nathalie
Edited by Susi Kohan