| To: | Laura |
| From: | Your Intestines |
| CC: | Your Brain |
| Date: | 2/14/00 |
| Re: | Laxative use |
Dear Laura,
I've been meaning to write to you for quite some time now but, unfortunately, have not gotten around to it until now. I actually considered e-mailing you, except I don't have the time or energy right now to figure out how to do it. You see, I've been feeling increasingly rotten these past several months, but I'm hoping you can help me feel a whole lot better. It all started about ten months ago when you began taking those blasted laxatives. I remember that day well; you took three of those chocolate-flavored ExLax laxatives when you were at the cabin with your friend Rachel. I remember being shocked because I thought you knew better. I tried calling your Brain, but The Voice of Reason was indisposed. I left a VM message, but she never returned my call. So, I just sat there quietly and endured the ensuing pain. Those three ExLax may have "cleaned you out," but they sure made me feel terrible. I felt like someone was choking me uncontrollably. Like I said before, I thought you knew better. You took those Nutrition classes at college where you learned the importance of eating lots of natural fiber (ex. legumes, fruits, etc.). And even though I know you've never been a big vegetable fan, you did used to eat peas, carrots, and zuccini. You also used to eat those Orowheat whole wheat bagels, which are loaded in natural fiber. I was feeling pretty regular then and you used to have a bowel movement every other day or so. You were also exercising regularly which helped. So you can imagine how appalled I was when those ExLax reached me. I have to admit, I delayed saying anything to you in hope that you'd "come around" and stop this nonsense. But, you have stubbornly kept at it, steadily increasing the dosage over the next several months. But I can't take it anymore. You're now taking about 54 of them two or three times/week and it MUST stop. As I've said before, I've tried to contact your Brain's Voice of Reason, but she refuses to return my calls. I'll bet she never even checks her voice messages anymore. This past year, she's been spending all her time with her new "best friend," Anorexia. I've never actually met Anorexia, but she sounds like a real selfish, high-maintenance SOB. She expects Reason to bow down to all her needs. But what Reason doesn't realize is just how self- destructive Anorexia is. Anorexia wants her to cease eating and take laxatives whenever she does eat so that she'll stay thin. Meanwhile, I'm (and all your other body systems, for that matter) paying the price big time.
Now I now how much you hate being nagged, but you've left me with no choice. It's either you start listening to me pronto or...DIE. I don't think you realize just how destructive your ExLax are. They may look like candy in their pretty silver wrapping but they are just a time bomb waiting to explode. As the package states, laxatives are meant to help alleviate occasional constipation and should never be used for more than one week. Laxatives disrupt your body's natural elimination patterns, causing constipation and obstipation (inability to have a bowel movement without them). Laxatives don't make you thinner; they falsely make you think you're thinner because they draw out all the water in your intestines. So not only will you re-gain the weight upon drinking fluids, but they also deplete your body of potassium and sodium which are important for electrolyte balance. Depletion of these vital minerals causes fatigue, dizziness, and even DEATH (due to heart arrhythmias). I see how crappy you feel after taking laxatives. Allow me to reiterate that this damage is irreversible. I'm the only intestine you'll ever have so you'd better start taking care of me before it's too late. Well, I do hope reading this memo will be a turning point for you. Keep in mind that I'm not the only organ you're damaging. You're also damaging your bones, heart, etc., but I'll let them send you memos of their own. Please take care of yourself, not just for us but for you too. We all want you to be healthy and happy.
All the best,
Your Intestines
