that can haunt them. There are many types of relationships such as
relationships with oneself,
one's body, intimate partners, children, co-workers. In this issue
you will have the
opportunity to read about people's experiences of critical voices of
motherhood, aloness
(being single or isolated), shame, anorexia, heterosexual
relationship and work.
Relationships can constitute a real playground for critical voices. Indeed, for critical voices to exist, there needs to be a context where comparison and evaluation are possible. This comparative process is usually based on certain standards internalized from our families, schools, the media and a variety of cultural myths. Examples of these are ideas about the "right" partner, being a "good" parent or having the "ideal" body type to be lovable. As you are reading these lines, most of you probably have images flowing through your mind that represent these standards. These very standards provide an ideal forum for critical voices to thrive in relationships as they can use them as a basis for comparison not only against yourself but also against others. For example, when there is any kind of relationship, critical voices will often insidiously get you to evaluate:
- how competent/attractive/adequate you are against social standards which allows you then to make assumptions about how you are perceived by the other involved; example of such a critical voice: "she/he probably thinks I'm ugly and uninformed".
- how competent /attractive/adequate the other is based on the relevant standards; example of such a critical voice: "he/she shouldn't treat kids that way" or "she/he is so indecisive."
- how the two of you compare with one another in a specific situation; which individual is more "valuable" or has more status in this context. A lot of studies have revealed, for instance, that many men very rapidly evaluate their status in terms of competence as they walk in a staff meeting at work, and that many women do the same around physical appearance in social settings (most people are not aware of that reflex); example of such a critical voice: "he/she is really more experienced than I am; I better not say anything".
As a result, relationships (and memories of them) can be constantly haunted by critical thoughts which, given their negative focus, either evaluate you or the other as inadequate depending on the context. In some ways, critical voices of relationships force people into a binary hierarchy where one is either positioned as "less than" or "better than" the other along the continuum of social standards. Let's explore how these critical voices can affect certain general types of relationships with others at different moment in time.
a. new relationships
When a relationship is new or superficial (i.e. work), critical voices have a lot of space to maneuver as they particularly thrive on unknown or unclear situations. Specifically, they can color everything negatively with very little possibilities for the victim to have enough relational experience for "objective" counter argument. Since other people's minds are impossible to read, critical voices can easily fill up mental space with the most inventive negative assumptions one can imagine. The lack of actual knowledge and experiences of the other person makes it difficult for everyone to develop alternative and more supportive interpretations. Critical voices can then swirl into your mind with their "this co-worker has a bad impression of you, you really looked stupid when you said that, what where you thinking? You once again missed the opportunity of getting to know a great person, now it's too late".
b. satisfying relationships
Even when one is convinced that a relationship is going well overall, critical voices may still get you to regularly worry about the others' possible misinterpretation of your intentions, words, behaviors and so on (see S.C.V. #3, Invasion of the Body Snatchers). It may get you to put yourself down, to believe that the other is much more skilled or clever than you are, to wonder why such a wonderful person stays with you, to easily feel insecure or jealous. The critical voices may get you to wonder if this beautiful relationships will survive, be upset at yourself for having said/done something, and/or to doubt your ability to make it on your own.
c. relationships with blame
In this culture, given our notions of individualism, righteousness and control, critical voices can easily recruit people into perceiving that the other is entirely responsible for problems or is not trying hard enough. Since most people experience themselves as having good intentions, when a situation arises involving a problem, misunderstanding or emotional pain, the general tendency is to assume the other has a "bad" intention or doesn't care. Sometimes critical voices and blaming habits even convince people that they know exactly what the other intended to do (example: " you did this on purpose, you know it upsets me"). Blaming gets people to criticize one other, to keep detailed accounts of mistakes, to make more and more assumptions and check them less and less. Blaming is the subtle termite colony in the structure of a relationship. It can grind what was initially a solid appreciation into powder, slowly but surely.
Another frequent form of blaming critical voices is to expect others to fulfill such high standards of performance that failure, disappointment and criticism is almost unavoidable. Critical voices feed on this failure to achieve unrealistically high expectations/standards and progressively eradicate appreciation, compassion and forgiveness. They get people to be intolerant of differences and close their mind to alternative and creative ways of being. These critical voices invite people to reduce and totalize others into a single negative trait, to shrink the richness of individuals' personality into one word (example "you're just a follower" or "you're so dependent" or "this kid is a manipulator" versus "you can be so flexible sometimes"; "you're so loving"; "this kid has a hard time asking for what he needs directly"). Critical voices judge people and their actions rapidly and for that reason, they live in a world without nuances, without flavors. They move people from a world of life, interactions and richness to a sterile world of beings well labeled for proper classification and efficiency but with whom you can no longer fully interact.
d. misidentifying relationships
When someone visibly perceives you in a way that doesn't quite fit your experience of yourself (misidentification), critical voices can use not only your imagination/assumptions against you but also negatively colored interactions. These negatively colored interactions can be very visible, such as abuse, and they can also be more subtle such as people's expressions, emotional reactions, frowns, pretenses and attitudes. Misidentification can lead to powerlessness as one may be physically/emotionally unable to escape the situation and/or unable to constructively address an experience that is so intangible. Examples of misidentification include:
- the shy individual who is perceived as uninteresting (when simply uncomfortable talking)
- the child who is labeled as a mean bully (when not knowing how to protect a friend any other way),
- the teacher who is perceived as a mean disciplinarian (when it is often the system that requires very specific punitive actions for certain types of behavior)
- the gay/lesbian/bisexual individual who is stereotyped as "pedophile" or dangerous (when in reality homosexuality is much less associated with such crime than heterosexuality),
- the international student who is perceived as stupid (when information is misunderstood mainly because of language differences)
- the wife who is victim of domestic violence and perceived negatively because she doesn't leave (when the complexity of socio-economic status, child rearing and isolation are major obstacles)
- the elder who is perceived as boring and slow (when in reality he/she has extensive wisdom and life experience to share but is limited by illness) and so on.
Misidentifications are more likely to happen in certain contexts such as:
- power imbalance (people in power are less likely to verify their assumptions as they often feel that they know everything)
- brief/stressed interactions (because people rely more heavily on assumptions when there is no time to talk and clarify)
- contexts involving people from different culture and lifestyles (when people are from different race, ethnicity, language, age, sexual orientation..., stereotypes may interfere with people's openness and curiosity).
Whether real or imagined by critical voices, misidentification can be very painful and very reinforcing of critical voices. In those situations, it may be very tempting for the victim to withdraw from the relationship to protect oneself from the pain and yet, at the same time, this withdrawal creates an even more significant space for the critical voice to dominate. In certain instances, the individual can easily end up isolating him/herself with the critical voice filling up emotional and mental space leaving as mentioned earlier, very little possibilities of modifying the misidentification. Grief, sadness, anger, doubts, anxiety and shame can then flow in sinking further the individual in critical voice water. Grief over the loss of relational possibilities, sadness over the disconnection/pain, anger usually turned against self for having done/said something perceived as "wrong", doubt about one's worth, anxiety about being further misidentified, shame about being perceived so negatively. In many ways the experience of misidentification creates a dark critical voice torture chamber high up in the fog where one feels powerless to escape the critical voice videos being loudly revisioned over and over again. It's like being tied in an economy class airplane seat where you cannot move freely and where you can only watch the critical voice TV monitor in front of you whether you like it or not. Escape from critical voices feels impossible as they convince you that it is important to isolate yourself and ruminate over these ideas to: 1. review what happened in case you didn't notice other mistakes; 2. to make sure that you won't do it again; 3. to assess what you can do now ... Time passes slowly, disconnection from the reality of the world around can sneak in, leaving the individual slowly focused only on a negative self analysis, not even considering engagement in more satisfying relationship s or in pleasurable activities which would bring forth other experiences of self. These critical voices are like fruit worms secretly eating people's minds from the inside.
Yet there is hope!
As discussed in earlier issues, critical voices struggle to survive when unmasked, explored and talked about. This is the very reason behind the existence of therapeutic conversations, groups and this journal. In addition, critical voices shrink remarkably well when soaked in compassion and egalitarian relationships. That is when one perceives oneself as equally worthy to others and is treated as equally worthy (note that it would be even better to acknowledge worth without any comparison at all). The development of non-judgmental and compassionate attitudes is almost inevitable when we become more aware of the standards and critical voices that govern lives, when we take the time to understand the complexity of decision-process and when we explore preferred ways of thinking. If we can only remember that everyone, including ourselves, always had a reason to do or say something even if that reason afterwards may appear naive, then, maybe forgiveness could emerge more frequently. People usually try to do their best and honoring their intentions can make it easier for everyone to face conversations of effects and responsibilities.
Let us now proceed respectfully to stories of relationships, and hope that this is one more small step toward a world of understanding, sharing, connectedness, tolerance and care.
kindly,
Marie-Nathalie BeaudoinNote: Stories of children and schools will now be published in the BAFTTA newsletter at Baftta.com starting in April 2000.